Dear Darling,
I spent the last 24 hours down a dark hole in our relationship. During that time, I took everything we have said to eachother or done with eachother and rewrote my memories into sinister, twisted, gnarled, thorny, brambles wrapped around my heart.
I wound them ever tighter...
..."He'd rather be with anyone else"...
..."He doesn't love you, he just says that to shut you up."...
..."He's disgusted by sexual acts with you"...
..."He's waiting for you to get another partner so he can dump you and not feel bad"...
..."He set you up, and keeps doing it so you can't be happy for him while simultaneously reinforcing his belief that you're not okay with new partners. You've told him you want to know about partners and dates beforehand, and he keeps telling you after because he doesn't trust you."...
..."He never believed you'd accept an open relationship, he just wanted to see if you'd betray yourself"...
..."He hates how much time you take"...
..."he hates being in a relationship with you"...
..."All the men in your life who you wish would fuck you just want to protect you, while the ones you wished would protect you, did the opposite."...
..."Do you seem so innocent you're unfuckable?!"...
..."Do you actually know this person who you consider a Partner but who considers you just a 'Dear Friend' in Facebook posts?"...
..."He keeps saying he feels sorry for anyone who gets close to him while keeping everyone at arms distance."...
..."He actually said the thing that you feared, he has considered that his penis not working with you may mean that you aren't his ideal partner."...
..."he may have sex with other people, but not you, because he's not attracted to you"...
..."if he has sex with other people, is he actually using protection, or just telling you he is and thinking 'it doesnt matter, I'm never fucking her again anyway'?"...
..."He's deeply depressed and keeps talking about suicide and wishing he just didn't exist anymore"...
..."he thinks he has power over you, does he?"...
..."what's wrong with you that you're so attracted to this person who isn't loving himself?!"...
..."what's wrong with you that the person who says they love you is still suicidal and depressed?"...
As I lay curled up in your arms, I waged a war with that darkness. I tried to look for the light but it wasn't shinning. As each one of those thorny branches caught at my heart, slapped my face, or tore at my breath, my dignity and self-esteem, I thought they would rip me to shreds. The only things holding me together in that moment were your arms, and your warm breath on my neck, grounding me, keeping me here. That same neck that you had lightly kissed just before you fell asleep. The tears falling from my eyes were just stars on the pillow, a dream, a nightmare, terrible and beautiful.
I love you.
That doesn't mean you owe me anything, it doesn't mean I'm claiming and wielding some self-appointed judge's gavel on your life, your time, your decisions. It doesn't even mean you have to love me back, though I know you do; I've never doubted that. When I doubted, I doubted whether you knew you loved me, but never your love's existence.
My love is a gift and a blessing. I don't always love easily, but I do love thoroughly and forever. I don't need anything in exchange for my love (I'm sure that will come as a surprise, not even sex).
And as for the power you hold over me, you have exactly the amount of power that I allow you to have. And that's a gift too. Let's not forget, even the dominatrix has to stop at the sub's command, though those outside often misinterpret the dynamic.
In the darkness, my hope, my love, my light, was you and your love. You opened my heart and cracked me open, you shone a light on my deepest fears and darkest desires. I will continue to choose you, until you ask me to choose between loving you, and loving me. On that day, I will walk away with my love for you still in my heart, forever a part of me.
~Anonymous
Editor's Note: Sometimes the stream-of-consciousness style of writing can be very therapeutic and may not accurately portray a person's actual thoughts or emotional / operational state. This letter was submitted with a footnote that it was for personal / therapeutic purposes and was "intended to be a means of discarding the emotional and fearful baggage" mentioned therein.
